Three blondes were celebrating their success in a pub.
The bartender asked them: "Girls, what's the reason for this celebration?"
One of the blondes responded: "Well, we have just finished this marvellous jigsaw puzzle. It took us only a month, although the box indicated `3 to 6 years'."
Three old men were at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor said to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Wednesday," replied the second man.
The doctor said to the third man, "Ok, now your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," said the third man.
"That's great," said the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," said the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Wednesday."
The Flood is over and the Ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine, except for one pair of little snakes.
"What is the problem?" asks Noah.
"Please cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.
Noah acts on their request. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes. Everybody is happy.
Noah asks, "Do you want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly," say the snakes. "You see, we are all adders, so we needed logs to multiply."
There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary were arguing over whether it was better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.
The lawyer said a lover, because it is legally easier to disentangle oneself from a lover.
The accountant said a spouse, because one can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary said that surely it was better to have both. That way you can lie to both of them, telling each that you are with the other. Then you can go back to the office and do some more work.
A good-looking female mathematician was drinking in a bar by herself when a man asked her for her telephone number.
She stopped to think for a moment and then replied, "I'm sorry, I've seen so many figures today. I just can't remember my exact telephone number, but I can probably estimate it to within 10 per cent."
Jack, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a well paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Jack replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew that he should have taken it to the interview) and realised that he would not get the job.
However, about two weeks later, he got a letter that surprisingly said that he was hired for the job. He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious.
The next day, he went in and asked how did it come about that he got the job, even though he had got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and just said, "Well, you were the closest."
A glass of beer:
To an optimist, the glass is half full.
The great logician Bertrand Russell once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1.
So one day some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that you're the Pope."
Russell thought for a while and then proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one."
Several mathematicians were sitting around at a conference. These mathematicians knew their jokes so well that they assigned numbers to them. In order to save time, instead of telling a joke they would just shout out its number.
"487," shouted out one mathematician. The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
"934," shouted a female mathematician. The others laughed heartily at this one.
"623," shouted another of the mathematicians. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. But there was one young mathematician in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.
The mathematician who had shouted out "623" approached the person who had been rolling on the floor and asked him: "What was it about my joke that you found so terribly funny?"
"I had never heard that one before," replied the young mathematician.
At another conference the same game was being played.
After a few jokes had been told by shouting out their numbers a young mathematician who was attending his first conference decided to join in the fun. Picking a number at random, he shouted out "555". To his astonishment there was no laughter. Instead, he was being greeted with scowls and deadly silence.
An older delegate soon put him right: "There are ladies present, so we don't tell dirty jokes."
The police had been told to clean up the neighborhood, so it was dead easy when a drunk staggered towards a constable and asked:
"Excuse me, offisher, what time ish it?"
The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.
"Jeez," said the drunk, "I'm glad that I didn't ask you at twelve o'clock!"
Student answer to a question in a geometry test: "Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them."
Question: Why don't actuaries read novels?
Answer: Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
Theorem: A cat has nine tails.
A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a cent."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a cent?"
And God said, "In a minute."
Barrister, to witness in court: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Barrister: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Barrister: What year?
Witness: Every year.
A blonde asked to use the infant scale at a pharmacy, to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The pharmacist explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure out the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
TRY THIS FOR YOURSELF
"My hand-held eight-digit calculator is smarter than any of these newfangled computers," Smith told Brown.
"How do you make that out?" asked Brown.
"Look, let's take a practical example, the ongoing problems in the Middle East. My calculator can predict the outcome," explained Smith.
"Go on," responded Brown.
"Well, I'll feed in some data. Take the number of aircraft, exactly 300, and the number of bombs on them, which I happen to know is 4463. I'll enter these items first, naturally in that order and with a full stop to separate the two figures."
The display on the calculator then read something like "300.4463".
Smith went on. "Next, I'll subtract the number of advisers in the area, namely 1011. Then I'll turn the calculator upside down and you will soon see the outcome."
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This page http://nickrenton.com/941.htm was last updated on 2009-09-08